Saturday, January 13, 2007

Movies: Chupa-crap-a Terror.

So, shortly the evening after watching Chupacbra Terror, an '05 clunker that appears to have been made for the Sci-Fi channel, I had a dream about the titular creature.

My job involves a lot of client interaction. I've one particular client, we'll call them client X, who is particularly needy. I must have to haul ass across town three or four days a week just to given them some handholding and reassure them that they are, in fact, getting decent customer service. Client X is a big money deal. They must account for something like 50% of my employer's revenue. Consequently, whatever they want from us, they get.

In my dream, I dreamt Client X demanded that every time I show up for a review at their office, I come wearing the monster suit from Chupacabra Terror. As far as monster suits go, it's a nice one. It looks like a more insect-like version of an orc from the Lord of the Ring flicks. The body is slightly taller than your average Joe. It's dark green with exo-skeletal plates across the chest and back. There's something dog-like about the face. All and all, it's a perfectly serviceable monster. But, as I learned in the dream, it makes for crappy business-wear. It was uncomfortable and hot. I kept hitting the head on the top of the subway door. It was impossible to type with the hands of the animal on. The thing has these long, webbed claws, so I had to hold my hands high above the keyboard and hunt and peck.

It took several hours to get the suit on and off (in my dream, I have no idea how long it took the actor in the flick to suit up), so, even when I wasn't at Client X's, I tended to wear the suit in the office. I'd just take the head off so I could breathe. At one point in the dream, my boss caught me sitting at my desk, head-off the monster suit, hunting and pecking out some memo with my Chupa-claws. "What?" he asked. "Is it casual Friday? Put the head back on."

I bring all this up because the image of a chupacabra-suit wearing office employee is considerably more entertaining than anything you'll find in Chupacabra Terror. The flick is a weak, generic creature feature that, other than the design of the main monster, has little to recommend it.

Dr. Moron, a doctor of crypto-zoology (from some place that issues doctorates in crypto-zoology, presumably), captures the infamous "goat sucker" and decides to transport it back to the US by smuggling it onto a cruise ship. Within minutes, the monster is free and eating its way through the films cast of 12th string nobodies. Eventually a team of the Navy's least effective SEAL team members and a tae-bow instructor (who subdues the creature temporarily with her fitness regimen – I wish I was kidding) face-off against the creature in a final showdown in the cruise ship's engine room. This thin plots runs from tedious to silly without ever rolling within sight of scary.

The acting and effects are equally unfortunate. The sole "name" in the flick is John Rhys-Davis, who plays the ship's beleaguered captain: Admiral Fire-My-Agent. Despite gamely attempting to add some actual interest to the film, Rhys-Davis's acting is wasted effort here. Aside from the beast, the effects are television-grade. There's one nice disemboweling that's handled with sufficient splattiness. Otherwise, the movie's more apt to induce indifference rather than terror.

Using the sadly underutilized Viscount of Arbuthnott rating scale, I can't give this eminently avoidable flick anything more than a Robert Arbuthnott the 4th. Emphasis on the "not."


Heather Santrous said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one that reviews the crappy along with the good ones. Sometimes the bad ones have a charm all their own but there has been a time or two I have wanted to turn the movie off but reminded myself I was partly watching it so I could do a write up on it. I hope your next movie is much better. Btw, what's up with these dreams you are having? lol

CRwM said...

The best thing about the invention of blogs is that they have given people who are the victims of bad movies a way to revenge themselves. In less advanced eras, we would have had to suffer in silence.

On the plus side, this might be where the good of crappy movies is: bad movies make for good write ups.

Anyway, thanks for readin'.

Heather Santrous said...

I agree with you there! I feel a little silly at times though because some of the movies I really enjoyed I end up with a short review because I don't want to give to much of the movie away but I have long write ups for the bad ones. Partly because I do enjoy that feeling of getting revenge.

I check your blog every day and read everything that you put up. I know I don't always leave comments but that is something I am hoping I will do more often, not only on your blog but also on the other blogs I try and keep up with.

CRwM said...

Well, as a regular reader, we should official start referring to you a Screamin' Heather. All regulars get the Screamin' honorific. It's what separates us from the common heard.

And, not to make this some sort of bloggy group hug, but I'm a regular reader of your blog as well. I'm not a post-for-post commenter, but I'm a fan. In fact, I read your blog for ideas for my own. I've never done a themed series before, but after seeing how much fun you and Final Girl have with them, I've been toying with the idea.

Anyway, keep up the great work.

Anonymous said...

Aw, man!
Did you really have this dream? I am SO jealous.

Anonymous said...

I agree with cattleworks - that's one entertaining dream. I actually wish I could locate that costume and wear it to work on Tuesday - especially if wearing it would result in preternatural powers of bloodsucking and ripping and shredding of those who deserve it.

CRwM said...

To: toxicfur
RE: bloodsucking powers

Sadly, in the dream, the suit didn't seem to be anything other than an uncomfortable costume. If it gave chupa-powers (is this a superhero yet: the Chupacabra Man?), I would have been happy to wear it. I mean, what couldn't a dude with chupa-powers do? I'd run this town!

Anonymous said...

The origins of Chupacabra man...
there's a herd of tainted radioactive goats this dude comes across.
Due to his own perverse inclinations, he sneaks one off and sucks on it. Incredibly, he changes into Chupacabra man!
Now, whenever he needs to don the powers of the Chupe, he need only run off to the herd and grab another goat and suck away.
Tell me that ain't a million selling comic RIGHT THERE!

Anonymous said...

To: cattleworks
Re: Super(anti)hero comic

Would you please tell me where I could find some radioactive goats? I like goats, and I wouldn't hurt them for most reasons, but chupa-powers would be completely justifiable.

I'll let you write the comic of my life as I go about shredding those I perceive as evil to bits.

CRwM said...


You might not have to attack a goat. If this movie was accurate - and I have to believe the details of this flick were scrupulously researched - than the cupie doesn't feed on goats that much. The only goat in the film survives completely unharmed. The creature should really be called the chupatourista: the tourist sucker.

CRwM said...

Oh, and instead of Chupa-Woman, I think you should go by the name "Supa-Chupa."

Anonymous said...

Sir, drop the chalupa.