Friday, August 06, 2010

Movies: If paying for their monocle polish happens to be your idea of fun, then it's all win for you.

Remember when the flood of remakes reached what we'd hoped was it's peak, remakes of
My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th were coming out in the same season, and people declared it "return of fun horror"?

Well bend over again, the fun's not over.

According to the Screen Rant site, the Bros. Weinstein are about to launch a one-company horror deluge of crap in a bid to save their crumbling film empire.

Among the turds being polished by Harvey and Bob are a head-scratchingly unneeded fourth film for the Scream franchise, another installment in the post-Zombie Halloween franchise, and remakes of Hellraiser, Children of the Corn, and, unbelievably, An American Werewolf in London.

Ever committed to quality, the BW look like they're going to hire the cat who penned the Jim Carrey/Joel Schumacher dud The Number 23 to handle the script of the new American Werewolf and give it "a modern spin."


Remember when the Weinstein's involvement in a project was, in and of itself, a reason to get interested in a flick? What the heck, guys?

That said, I can see working the Scream thing from this angle. After the first couple of kills, we get the obligatory "here's the rules" scene. You have somebody explain to Sidney that, if after the the third incident, the killer comes back, then she's in a franchise and the killer is motivated by the fact that two very lazy film executives need more monocle polish. Then the expositor could explain that, unless the film's a dud, she can expect the killer to return in any slow quarter. So Sidney goes around adding lame comedic bits; intentionally fumbles a passionless romantic subplot; brings in a previously unmentioned younger African American sibling to appeal to teen audiences with his hip, street-smart sensibility and zany, irreverent humor; discovers a never before discussed superpower ("I can speak to dead cats!"); commits acts of stupid kill-me-please-ism that will infuriate even the least discriminating slasher fan; and maybe gets a sparkling vampire involved; all in the hopes of bombing the movie and saving herself from further franchise installments.


zoe said...

ah! vampires-- that's what the first three "screams" were missing. of course they're doing a remake, then...

Sarah said...

I thought there was already a re-make of Children of the Corn? Or am I confusing it with something the Sci-Fi Channel did, like their 2+ sequels of Return of the Living Dead, 3+ sequels of Pumpkinhead, etcetera?

I can't keep up with this shit anymore.

Sasquatchan said...

Holy crap. According to wiki, there are 7 children of the corn movies.. Dang..