Books: "Monsters. I think they are so terrible! Somebody should destroy them all so that we, the humans, are safe. You come to castle?"

Simon Rich's second humor collection, Free-Range Chickens, contains more of the short and sweet comedy pieces that his debut collection, Ant Farm, was full of. Each bit only runs one or two pages long. This is just enough time for Rich to brilliantly riff on modern fears, hopes, and humiliations, while never overstaying his welcome. His imagination roams wide and far - from the pre-historical moment when the world's oldest profession was the only profession to an imagined conversation between the various murderous maniacs a 7-year-old Simon imagined gathered in his closet every night (with guest appearances by Freddy and Chucky).

Here's the first of three vampire-marketing gags that appear in the new collection.

Match.com profile

NAME: Count Dracula

OCCUPATION: Aristocrat

LOCATION: Castle Gothica, Transylvania

ABOUT YOU: I am normal human looking for human woman to come to castle. I am normal, regular human. I like the popular music and television. You come to castle.

WHAT COLOR BEST DESCRIBES YOUR HAIR?
Black.

WHAT COLOR BEST DESCRIBES YOUR EYES?
Red.

WHAT IS YOUR RACE?
Yes, I am of the human race, like you.

WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU READ?
The Christian Bible, because I am regular kind of guy.

WHAT IS YOUR PET PEEVE?
Monsters. I think they are so terrible! Somebody should destroy them all so that we, the humans, are safe. You come to castle?

DO YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A SOCIAL PERSON?
Here is the thing. I am very social person, but the people in my village are not so good to be friends with. For instance, sometimes they say things that are not true about other people in the village. It is not good to believe all the things that are said in my village.

DO YOU WANT CHILDREN?
Yes. You bring children to castle.

FAVORITE THINGS?
I like walking around in sunshine, eating regular foods, sleeping in normal human bed. I am regular human. Here is thing though: when you come, it is better if you come at nighttime. You stay in your own private room at top of staircase. You have normal, regular sleep experience. In the morning, we go outside in the sun.

ARE YOU A 9-TO-5ER? OR ARE YOU YOUR OWN BOSS?
I am my own boss.

If you want to read Drac's ad promoting Castle Gothica as a teen summer tour location or his mailer for a dubious Red Cross blood drive ("The blood you send is for the normal humans."), then check out Free-Range Chickens. FRC, from Random House, is out now and will run you 17 Washingtons in hardback.