It's been too long since I've thrown a contest here, and it's about time I thank all y'all for following along with my ramblings. So here goes . . .
Hot off the presses, from the kind folks at Collins Design, comes Killer Kaiju Monsters: Strange Beasts of Japanese Film. Part light-hearted reference book, part art book, all city-stomping hotness, this handsome hardcover, curated by Ivan Vartanian, contains production stills, photos of kaiju collectables, poster repros, papercraft build-your-own kaiju, and original kaiju themed-art from artist (including the wonderful kaiju cross-section art Shoji Ohtomo). It's a pop kaiju smorgasbord!
And ANTSS is giving away one copy a deserving reader. Retail value: about 28 Washingtons. Number of dead presidents it's going to cost the winner: zero. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Free-city, daddy-o.
Could you be the lucky winner? Sure. Why the hell not? You're as awesome as anybody! It's your time, dammit! Hell yeah!
What do you have to do to win? Easy. Just leave a comment connected to this post saying what city you would stomp if you were a giant monster and why. Tired of Montreal's smug politeness? Think you might be doing Detroit a favor by utterly destroying it? Think an attack on Bakersfield is called for just because nobody would see it coming? You're the giant monster; you make the call. Just tell me what city and why, and you're in the running. One winner will be selected randomly on June 4th. Only one stomp per player.
Because I'm a cheap bastard, I've got to limit this to players in the United States. Not that I don't want to hear what towns my foreign readers would lay waste to, but shipping costs prohibit me from rewarding you for your destructive impulses. Imaginary chaos and devastation will simply have to be their own reward in this case.
Let the stomping begin!
19 comments:
If I were a giant monster I would stomp on Gotham City. Batman has had it to easy fighting The Joker and Scarecrow lets see how he does against a real challenge. 'Batman vs. Giant Monster', give me a call Christopher Nolan I got the script written. =)
If I were a huge monster (and with my sweet tooth and sour disposition I just might realize that dream) I would step all over Charlotte, NC. I live near it, and since it's such a big sprawling mess of sprawly sprawl it would be fantastic exercise, stomping every last little smidge. I'd spare Amilie's 24/7 french bakery because its buttery tarts would help me maintain my awe-inspiring proportions, but with petulant relish I'd stamp on all the professional theatres that never cast me. Also, NC is apparently completely broke, so law/monster enforcement would be a bit lax. And they'd have to fill out reams of paperwork before recieving permission to do anything to me, because the NC economy is switching over from tobacco to bureaucracy. Figure I'd have plenty of time to crush, crumble and chomp while the military scribbled all over page after page of forms. Stomp stomp STOMP ON CHARLOTTE. God, I'm getting sweaty.
I'm gonna go with Nashville, TN, centre of corporate country music, just because I love the idea of men with big hats and women with big hair running in terror from a giant lizard. Of course, when it gets to Music Row, the only remaining home of REAL music in that plastic bag of a city, Gojira could be momentarily beguiled by the maudlin melody drifting up from a pedal steel guitar played by a drunk cowpoke who hasn't quite figured out that town is being evacuated. Then, a salty tear hanging from each of his big close-set eyes, the heartbroke green fella would turn and head back for the sea from whence he came, wading into the (by now doubtless oil-slickened) Mississippi Delta humming a George Jones tune.
Were I a giant monster hell-bent on destruction, I'd stomp all over Tallahassee, FL. Nestled in America's scrotum, Tallacrappy is home to Florida State University, the school that stole two years of my life. I'd stomp FSU in much the same way they stomped all over my dreams of becoming a PhD. I'd shut down the uni just as they shut down the anthropology department. And I'd crush the campus like how FSU crushed my hopes in a future in academia.
I'd smash Aruba, because when I was done munching on spring breakers and picking jet-skis out from between my toes, I could sit back and enjoy the sun. I just hope all the bronzer and hair jell wouldn't make me sick.
oh, i can't help it, i can't help it....washington d.c.
are you serious, you want to know why?
except...
i have to say, though i have nothing, personally, against charlotte, nc, i find aaron's comment so convincing, i might even switch camps.
and let that be a lesson to us all...
Athens.
It's about due.
Oklahoma City. Then we'll see who is Oklahoma's "second city."
Seattle. I want to play frisbee with the top of the Space Needle.
I won last time so leave me out of it. All the same, Philly's going down. Because I'm a Blackhawks fan and 49 years means everyone needs to get the hell out the way.
Though there are many that come to mind for personal reasons, I'll make the bully pick. I'd go for Tokyo just for a laugh. They've been getting fake stomped for almost 60 years, might as well add to their dismay.
Miami. It's managed to dodge hurricanes for years, and if you read any Carl Hiaasen, you know it's full of decay and corruption..
I would stomp Des Moines, Iowa because nobody would see it coming. Also it would bring the big kaiju filmmaking bucks to the Midwest where they belong.
If I were a giant monster hell-bent on razing a city to the ground, it would be Kansas City, Kansas/Missouri. For one, you get a two-fer on the mayhem, and all you have to do is menacingly swim across a river. Secondly, there's no end to the fun; destroy haphazard expressways, dine on international planes at mci, play amongst blocks and blocks of scrapyards and skyscrapers alike, etc. Personally, I would adore skating down the plaza on two crappy metro buses, demolishing overpriced restaurants and tourist trap fountains. At the end of the day, I'd mosey over to the Westport district to pig out on some bible thumping passersby haranguers, finished off by a long, satisfied slumber in the abandoned maintenance tunnels beneath the city.
If I were made into a giant monster, I would go stomp on Fort Worth. Why? Because I get tired of people refering to Dallas as the D/FW area. Screw that! It isn't Dallas/Fort Worth at all. I'm tired of that other city living off our name. Time to get rid of it I say.
Any of the Gulf Coast cities, but after smashing up a couple of buildings to get my ya-yas out I'd go all Godzilla: The Befriending Children Years and save the humans from the massive oil slick monster.
His name would be Viscositah.
I would stomp Detroit, even though most of it looks like it's already been stomped. Knocking everything over would make it easier for Detroit to start over, so I'd be doing a public service.
zombiepaul@gmail.com
I would stomp Cleveland Ohio. Even though coming out of the lake would be cool, it would be even better to step on empty steel mills and uses trees as tooth picks. Plus everyone is so fat there, they would be extra juicy people treats!
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