Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Stuff: Ain't exactly "Twilight," is it Princess?

According to the Associate Press, one-time presidential hopeful and full-time Satanic vampire overlord of Toms River, Minnesota, Jonathan Alfred Sharkey (pictured above), was thrown into jail last week for failing to appear before court to answer charges he threatened a 16-year-old girl her referred to as "his wife and princess."

Sharkey first came to the wire services attention in '07, when the New Jersey native tossed his cloak of darkness into the presidential ring and announced his bid for this nation's highest office. From the A.P.:

"I have real ideas to make this country better, but I'm still a Satanist, I'm still a vampire, I still follow the Goddess Hecate and practice the art of black magic," Sharkey says, pushing back his long black hair to reveal a crimson pentagram embroidered on his golf shirt. "So if you cross my line, I have no problem vanquishing you."

Honest words from an honest candidate.

To be fair, Sharkey brought some political assets to the table. He had a military record no worse than some other presidents: A former Army recruiter, Sharkey's main source of income was from disability benefits the Army owed him after he was injured in a parachuting accident. He was also a Republican district leader in Elizabeth, New Jersey, in the 1980s.

For a brief time he was also a stock car driver and a pro-wrestler (Rocky Flash).

Still, it was clear from the start that a successful campaign was going to have to get over some substantial obstacles. Again from the A.P.:

As for how he plans on convincing voters to hand over the reins to an ordained Satanic dark priest who "feeds" daily on the neck of his 19-year-old bride, Sharkey said he hopes voters will be open-minded.

"It's like JFK said, 'Are you going to vote against me because I'm Roman Catholic?'" Sharkey asked. "The campaign shouldn't be about religion."

Sadly Sharkey's presidential campaign, like his efforts to win a governor's race in Minnesota and senatorial races in both Jersey and Florida, fizzled. He was outspent (by nearly $999,994,000) and hamstrung by a series of outstanding warrants.

Now, Sharkey faces yet another legal crisis:

The criminal complaint says he was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship.

She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger. Her father told police he talked to Sharkey, but Sharkey continued to call the girl and write letters to her parents.

Which is odd, really, because the "I'm a member of an elite vampire hunter society" thing has always worked on me.


Tenebrous Kate said...

I love this news story so very much more than I should, considering the whole creepy underage girl/overage dude-who-thinks-he's-a-vampire element. The pro-wrestling tie-in really ices the cake, dontcha think?

CRwM said...


It is a nice touch.

But there are so many sweet little touches. Are Jersey Republicans that hard up for district leadership? And the use of the "elite" label on the girl's imaginary vampire hunting group - so he wouldn't think they were some half-assed weekend warrior vampire hunting group. Or his comparison to JFK! Is there any politician in the United States that, given enough time, won't compare himself to JFK?

Reality is so awesomely weird.

The Igloo Keeper said...

He's not a Satanic Vampire Overlord, he's just a very naughty boy.

Shon Richards said...

I always suspected Republicans were bloodsuckers.

Pro wrestling is more real than vampires, something you don't get to say very often.

The elite vampire hunting society apparently uses Myspace.

This guy is some sort of perpetual comedy machine, endlessly creating source material for one liners.