So, who emerged triumphant from this multinational literary throwdown?
I handed off all the entries – with bylines removed – to an impartial panel of critics. The critics were told to judge the limericks by whatever criteria they saw fit. The critics carefully considered each entry and cast ballots for the winner.
Then I made all the critics get in a steel cage and fight to the death. After the dust settled and the bodies were carted away, the last critic standing chose the following limerick synopsis of the classic Bride of Frankenstein:
There was an old doc named Praetorious,
whose work with the dead was laborious,
with sutures and knife,
he gives old corpses life,
but his matchmaking skills aren't too glorious!
The author – limerick master Barry W. of West Virginia – has one copy of The Mammoth Book of Best Horror Comics headed his way.
For all the other poets who submitted, I think you've won something much much more valuable: a lesson about life. Actually content of lesson may vary; lesson is not legal tender; lesson not valid in Tennessee, the US Virgin Islands, or Puerto Rico.
Thank you all - we will now return to ANTSS regularly scheduled horror-centric programming.
* "ANTSS Tricentpostiary Limerick Spectacular" is a registered trademark of ANTSS Corporation – ANTSS Co.: "For a Better Today, Tomorrow, with People, for Your Family, and a Bright Future."
By popular demand, by which I mean Screamin' Spacey asked for it, here are the entries into the limerick contest.
Kit P. covers two of my favorite horror flicks - The Re-Animator and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - and waxes poetic about the Evil Dead franchise.
There once was a Doctor named West
Who brought the dead back from their rest
He decided to kill
His dear friend Dr. Hill
And a girl got Hill's head with protest
There once was a dude named Raimi
Who made a most grueling movie
With fake shemps and no cash,
a hero named Ash,
it all added up to Groovy.
Living outside of the law
Some Texas boys and their Pa
Made them some friends
Who soon met their ends
With a hammer, a hook and chainsaw
Unkle Lancifer, of Kindertrauma fame (see the sidebar), gives us a limerickal tour of filmic adaptations of Stephen King novels in a 6 poem cycle.
1. Care-take not the Overlook hotel
Although the scenery may look swell
Just like Danny's dad
You're sure to go mad
And you're liable to end up in hell
2. Stop making fun of poor Carrie White!
I know she looks quite a fright
But with a twitch of her eye
She can cause you to fry
Even Sue Snell knows it just isn't right!
3. Holy crap it's that dog they call Cujo!
He follows you wherever that you go!
It's not cause he likes you
He just wants to bite you
He's got rabies or didn't you know?
4. Let's say we move out of Salem's Lot
Seems vampires is all that they got
I'm sick of this dreck
What a pain in the neck!
On my map it's only a dot!
5. Don't get in that car named Christine!
Rumor has it that bitch is real mean
She'll drive over your head
Until you are dead
That auto is simply a fiend!
6. Our kid is buried in pet sematary
You'd think that we'd be sorta weary
With the help of a Gwynn that's named Fred
He's sure to rise up from the dead
I sure hope that won't be too scary!
Screamin' Cattleworks goes bilingual to cover two versions of Dracula
When thirsty, that old bat named Dra-cu-la,
Shunned wine, preferring hearty ventri-“coolers”.
Fans can watch Bela,
Or that Spanish fella,
If you gusto the sexy peli-CU-la.
ANTSS regular Screamin' Sassy covers the The Ring, The Mummy (two versions), all original Friday the 13th, and every zombie film ever made.
There once was a man from Crystal Lake
who took all the lives he could take
"Wasn't me", said he
"was my mum, you see.
But let's see how many sequels we can make."
An Egyptian priest in a tomb
Brought to life from the book of doom
Vasloo or Karloff,
I know who gets my doff:
The man who makes all the ladies swoon.
A cursed tape of a dead girl
put it in the VCR and give a whirl
Wet and horrid is she
A wailing banshee
Watch the horror unfurl
Here comes the zombie horde
George Romero is their lord
Duking it out in a mall
Raiding labs for a haul
Poor Shaun is no longer bored.
ANTSS regular Screamin' Spacey goes absolutely nuts and covers everything from Hostel 1 and 2 to The Thing remake.
Two Americans in Europe were on tour
With a European, their motives impure.
Seeking every vice
They took some bad advice
And instead, learned all about torture.
There once was a Thing from the stars
That landed on Earth, not Mars.
First it got the dog
Then it went whole hog
And infected every human like SARS.
There once were some plants from outer space
That wanted to copy the human race.
Matt, Liz, Nancy and Jack
Tried to hold the plants back.
Alas, Liz was fooled when they stole Matt's face.
Three girls touring Europe weren't sure
Where to go next, so easy they were to lure.
They came for the spas
But stayed for the saws
And one bought a company that sells torture.
Estranged siblings reunite in New Orleans
Where Paul explains to Irena what it means
To find out that
You become a cat
By having sex with human beings.
A futuristic life this woman did lead,
In a house that catered to her every need.
But the house had AI
And it wanted to try
Impregnating her with its Demon Seed.
A scientist once did a terrible thing:
Mixed human/alien DNA into a female being.
She wanted to mate
But everyone was afraid of the resulting offspring.
Sue H. covers The Vanishing
There once was a guy stopped for gas
While a traveller grabbed his girl’s ass.
Psycho put out her lights
And ruined his nights
But the remake was dire alas….
And, last but not least, the lovely and talented Absinthe, of Gloomy Sunday fame, was overwhelmed by the muse and created an ode instead of a limerick, reprised here:
Ode to Dawn of the Dead
I once knew a girl named Fran
She got knocked up one day and then ran
Then the dead came to life
Oh the horror and the strife
And away they went to the shopping center
where they set up house and were much better
Killing zombies with ease by the twos and the threes
Just as cool as you please
Then Roger who had tagged on for the ride - oh my he forgot his bag
Got stuck in the truck with a zombie bad luck
Bitten in the leg
He then had to beg
Please don't resist if I should happen to persist
Just shoot me and be done
Then go and have some fun
And then did the deed
Then the bikers appeared
And did exactly what they all feared
They ran amok and had very good luck
Stephen got shot right on the spot
Then forgot about the masses of rot
And quickly became zombie chow
Right there in the elevator - wow!
Fran and Peter alone, now on their own, knew that they were prone
So away did they fly so they would not die, waving bye in the sky so high
Onwards they go - where we don't know
Hopefully to some place better
Where they will not fetter
And maybe one day will get a red setter
Once again, thanks to everybody who entered.