Showing posts with label Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear. Show all posts

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear: Evolution is a sometimes friend.


The X-men it ain't. Discover magazine covers a scientist who believes that the future of human evolution is not nifty eye beams and weather control, but extinction caused by a slow but steady spread of micromutations that, in the short term, are unnoticable but, in the long term, start collectively screwing us big-time. From are selections from the article:

This week, the evolutionary biologist Michael Lynch has published a provocative paper (to mark his inauguration into the National Academy of Sciences) in which he makes another kind of forecast. Our future evolution, he warns, is going to lead to a devastating decline in our health. . .

Lynch concludes that every gamete (a sperm or egg) acquires the following:

–38 base-substitution mutations (a single “letter” of DNA changes to another one).

–3 small insertions or deletions of a stretch of DNA

–1 splicing mutation (which changes the combination of segments of a gene that cells use to build proteins)

–Plus some assorted other mutations (gene duplications, insertions of DNA copied by transposable elements, and so on).

All told, Lynch estimates a total of 50 to 100 mutations.

A lot of the new mutations in every new baby are harmless. But each baby may acquire a few harmful ones. These mutations rarely cause a swift death. Instead, in their totality, they slice off a tiny fraction of the total offspring an entire population can produce. Lynch estimates that mutations to protein-coding DNA cause the fitness of a population to decline by 1%. That’s assuming natural selection does not favor other mutations over these harmful ones.

Lynch acknowledges that natural selection is still in effect in humans, particularly in places where people never see doctors, let alone get clean drinking water. But as the world’s standard of living goes up, he argues, more and more people are being shielded from natural selection’s most intense effects–and harmful mutations are piling up.

In a matter of a few centuries, Lynch predicts, industrialized societies may experience a huge increase in harmful genes–”with significant incapacitation at the morphological, physiological, and neurobiological levels,” he writes.


Ironically, though Lynch's theory sounds suspiciously like the protect-our-genes ranting of paleo- and neo-eugencists, it fatally undermines the eugenic argument by pointing out how useless such a program would be. You can't stop the inevitable micromutations Lynch points to above, but you can go out of your way to make sure you're doomed by minimizing natural selection and maximizing the concentration of mutated genes by limiting your gene pool.

Battling this decline won’t be easy, says Lynch. Rather than a few big mutations causing the trouble, the decline will be brought about by a vast number of mutations, each with a very small effect. The fantasies of selective breeding dreamed of by eugenicists aren’t just loathesome–they’re also useless. Instead, Lynch argues for something that would make the eugenicists crazy. “Ironically, the genetic future of mankind may reside predominantly in the gene pools of the least industrialized segments of society,” he writes.

In short, if you're single, you need to do your part to save the human race by getting some hot you-on-somebody-else action on across ethnic barriers. That's right! It's no longer your creepy fetish; it's the only way to save humanity. Do it now, for the future.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Your new favorite unstoppable doom scenario from the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear.

Leading researchers at the DoCCYDEKYHtF headquarters in Gantsmouth, North Carolina (pictured above), have discovered the horrifying fact that Earth may be trying to kill us.

That's right, even as we speak – or, you know, as I write and you read, though, really, I've written this perhaps hours or days ago, so the illusion of contiguous presence in our communication is really more of . . . We don't have time for this! The freakin' planet Earth wants us freakin' dead!

According to a deliciously fear-mongering piece in NewScientist, the planet Earth regularly "flushes" its eco-system in an effort to rid the planet of destructive elements. Dubbed "Medean events" – named after the child murdering sorceress of Greek myth in a satiric jab (who says scientists don't have a sense of humor) at the popular Gaia theory – these global corrections involve, to quote NS, "drastic drops in biodiversity and abundance driven by life itself." In layman's terms, we're talking about worldwide, spontaneous multi-species extinctions.

Unlike "global warming" or "asteroid strikes" or any other of the millions of man-made or extraterrestrial apocalyptic scenarios we tend to focus on, the creepy thing about Medean events is that they do not represent a breakdown of the global ecosystem. They aren't the product of attacking mother Earth. Instead, the Medean hypothesis suggests that ecosystems regularly correct them in spectacularly catastrophic ways. Mother Earth has evolved to regularly slaughter most of her "children."

By way of example, 2.5 billion years ago, all life on Earth was microbial. The planet was home to a teeming diversity of tiny life. Because the life spans of these tiny little beasties were so short, the planet was nearly the Platonic ideal of an evolutionary laboratory. It may well have been Earth's singular greatest moment with regards to the sheer diversity of life on the globe. But then, some almost infinitesimally small subset of these mini-monsters evolved the novel capacity to photosynthesize: turning sunlight and carbon dioxide into energy and releasing oxygen. This evolutionary leap was an utter disaster for life on the planet. For an overwhelming majority of the microbes on Earth oxygen was a deadly toxin. In short order, only photosynthesizing plants and a handful of microbes that evolved to adapt to an oxygen environment survived.

The NS article has a spiffy timeline of the Medean events.

What's the take-away? You are not Mother Earth's precious and unique little snowflake. She's not really that kind of mom.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Stuff: The latest from the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear.

The golden thing is this photo is the handle of a scalpel, conveniently marked with centimeters. The red mess of stuff is a part of a dude's lung. The brown and spiny looking thing is a tiny fir tree that took root there.

That's right: a freakin' fir tree.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Stuff: Another safety bulletin from the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear.

At the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear (DCCYDEKYHF) scientists, like the one pictured above, work tirelessly around the clock to find and overstate the risks of unlikely threats to your health and happiness.

Today's overblown threat: Rosy Palm and her five sisters are out to kill you.

A new paper in the British Journal of Urology International (BJU) reports a statistically significant correlation between masturbation and prostate cancer. That's right, according to the fine folks at PopSci.com, your only truly successful long-term relationship might be giving you cancer.

Let's look at the numbers:

The BJU study, conducted by a team from the University of Nottingham in England, looked at one group of 431 men who had been diagnosed with prostate cancer before the age of 60, and 409 men who did not have the disease. Of the 431 men with cancer, 40 percent of the men reported masturbating or engaging in sexual activity more than 20 times a month during their 20’s. Additionally, the cancer group also had a larger percentage of men who reported having more than six female partners in their life. And the men in the cancer group were also more likely to report having once had a sexually transmitted disease.

Not that every scientist, not unlike the one pictured above, is ready to commit to the idea that flogging the bishop makes your cells go all kill-kill-kill.

But doctors disagree over the link between sexual activity and prostate cancer. While a 2002 paper in the journal Epidemiology backs the BJU study, a 2004 study in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) and a 2003 paper from the Australian Cancer Council Victoria claim that frequent masturbation and intercourse actually decreases the risk of prostate cancer.

Two versus one – good enough for the scientists, all very much like the one pictured above, of the DCCYDEKYHF to raise the alarm. Remember, when you shake hands with Yul Brynner, you shake hands with death.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Stuff: Another dispatch from the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear.

Here at ANTSS, the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear vigilantly surfs the Internet, day and night, even on weekends, barring major holidays and the second Sunday of every month, to bring you the latest in unlikely misery so you can rest a little less easily.

Last time, it was brain worms.

What's the new hotness in unlikely fear? Vampire moths.

Quit laughing. I'm serious. They're moths and they drink human blood.

The following clip has several images of the little beasties feeding. Enjoy.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Stuff: Something from the Department of Crazy Crap You Didn't Even Know You Had to Fear.

Fox News, the source of so many of the truly scary shows one finds on the tube these days, brings you something new to worry about.

According to the Fox 10 News, a Phoenix-area woman went into the hospital to have a potential tumor removed from her head. When doctors went into her skull to remove the tumor, they found a live tapeworm residing in her gray matter.

You can pick up these worms by eating undercooked pork or from contact with folks who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. Apparently it is pretty uncommon, though not as uncommon as it used to be. The report says that the doctor who removed this particular brain worm removed five others in the last couple of months. Other doctors in the same hospital have run into them too. The operating doctor thinks this sudden rash of cases is a fluke.

Even better, there's video: Say hello to this lady's brain worm.

Quote of the day: "It could have ate holes in her brain, like an apple."